XO, Isabel

Hope and Courage: Our Surrogacy Journey

Random Acts of Kindness Follow Up

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I just wanted to add a little bit of a follow up to our Friday.

We did some planning and spending in order to fulfill what we wanted to do for our Random Acts of Kindness on Leo’s anniversary. The truth is, we did many more acts of kindness on Friday that involved no money at all. The feelings of elation that we had were enough to help us continue wanting to express more and more kindness. And it didn’t just end on Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Today. And I hope all the days that follow.

We can do very simple (and FREE!) things to express kindness.

  • Help someone carry groceries to his or her car
  • Smile at someone
  • Let someone cut in front of you line
  • Let someone in your lane when you see they’re trying to merge
  • Compliment someone
  • Really LISTEN to someone
  • Hold the door open for someone
  • Forgive someone, even if they don’t necessarily know it
  • Forgive yourself
  • Look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself
  • Say something nice to your spouse or partner
  • Do some extra chores at home
  • Write a love letter
  • Wave at your neighbor
  • Push shopping carts back into the proper spot
  • Volunteer for the day – a shelter, the library, a school, a food bank – anything!
  • …the list goes on and on!

The point is, acts of kindness don’t require any monetary investment at all. That’s the best part. No matter where you are, there may be an opportunity to do something kind. Choose kindness, you’ll never regret it.

Random Acts of Kindness for Leo

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Today marks the third anniversary since losing our son Leo. A few months after he died, we did one of our first Random Acts of Kindness (RAK or #LeoRAK) in his memory by purchasing a birthday cake for a stranger on what would be his due date. For his first anniversary, we did the same thing — bought a cake for someone and then we added more #LeoRAK ideas to the list. We donated books. We sponsored a Lion. We donated to various organizations in his name. Last year for his second anniversary, we did more of the same.

This year was no different, but we decided on an ideal number of RAK’s to complete — 12. We chose this number as it represents the months between honoring his last anniversary, and 12 because it’s the day of the month that we lost him.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

Our day started off early! We both had doctor appointments with our IVF doctors to have a medical exam as we are preparing for IVF in short order. We made a stop to pick up some sweet treats to leave with the staff at our fertility clinic. This was #LeoRAK number 1 of the day! It was great to leave a note behind to let them know that we were honoring our son, but, that we were also there today to begin our new journey with their help. We were excited to start our day off this way!

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

Next, I had a haircut appointment (some kindness for me, too!) and stopped off for lunch. For our RAK number 2, we tipped our server more than our lunch amount. That was really a fun thing to do!

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

Next, we headed off #LeoRAK number 3 which was a local organization that serves as a homeless shelter, but also helps improve the lives of members of our homeless community by providing them the tools to help them move to high levels of self-reliance. Usually organizations like this will have wish lists that they will post that will list items that they are most in need of to continue to help serve their communities. When we dropped off the diapers, the coordinator commented that this was the biggest box of diapers that she has seen. And that the fact of the matter is, if they run out of diapers, then they run out of diapers. That child may have to deal with not having enough diapers to keep him (and everyone around him) comfortable. We were so glad to be able to help provide a supply that will help, even for a short while. My husband also included lots of socks, which I thought was a brilliant idea. With the Fall and Winter seasons quickly approaching, simple things like this are taken for granted.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

After we finished with this drop-off, we headed over to a local animal shelter in hopes of pre-paying some adoption fees for a cat (or FOUR!) When we got there to ask, they were delighted to help us. They told us to go to the building where the cats are waiting to be adopted and spend some time with the cats and choose to sponsor individual cats that just clicked for us. We were all about that! We took a look and found a couple right away that we wanted to sponsor. We had the intention of sponsoring one, but walked away sponsoring two adult cats and two kittens! So that took care of #LeoRAKs number 4, 5, and 6! The kittens were siblings and their foster parents were really hoping that they would be adopted together, and that’s what we were really hoping as well. We sponsored another cat that was about a year old because she reminded us of both of our cats combined! The final cat that we sponsored was a 15-year old cat. My heart broke for her that after her long life she was spending time in a shelter. Our hope is that she finds a nice and comfortable home with someone that understands that at her age, sleep is what’s on the agenda. Lots of sleep and cuddles.

When we were pregnant with Leo, the only cat we had at the time was Immie. We adopted Zappa about a year later. We had always wondered what Immie would have been like when Leo came home. She seemed awfully snuggly with him when he was in my belly. From the moment I got pregnant, she began to never leave my side, including sleeping right next to my growing belly. It was the sweetest thing. I remember how much comfort she gave us after Leo died. There were days when I was barely able to get out of bed and stop the tears from falling. Those were the days where she would cuddle extra close and smell the tears on my cheeks and then head butt me.

Finally, I’ll never forget how she reacted when we brought Leo’s ashes home in his tiny heart-shaped urn. She just smelled it. And then I put it down and she laid her head right on top of his urn and cuddled with it. That’s the kind of love we wanted to share with others. Our hope is that they would be able to treat their cat to extra special treats with the money the saved and also to express to them that we were so thankful that they chose adoption.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

Running around all morning and all afternoon made us have a case of the yawns! So, we decided we needed a Starbucks run. Since we were there, we decided to do a quick act of kindness to bring us to #LeoRAK number 7 and paid for the order for the truck behind us. The barista that helped us was all smiles as he was excited to help us complete this act of kindness.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

Now that we were all fueled up we continued forward to RAK number 8. This is our tradition of heading to a local bakery and asking if there were any birthday cakes on order that we could pay for. We struck out at the first bakery we went to, so we made a call to another bakery and found that someone had a birthday cake for Burt on order. Happy birthday Burt! We hope you enjoy your cake.

We were now off to do #LeoRAK number 9. We headed to our local Toys ‘R Us and were going to attempt to deliver an act of kindness face-to-face! We were really nervous as we weren’t sure how receptive a complete stranger would feel about us two coming up to them and their child or children offering up a gift and a note card. As we were entering in, there was a mother and daughter ahead of us. I tugged on my husband’s arm and I whispered “let’s pick them.” We rushed inside to try and buy the gift card faster than they could find whatever it was they were going to purchase so that we could give them this gift and allow her little girl to do a little extra shopping! We managed to get in rather quickly as one of the workers decided to open a new register to help speed the lines up. This man’s act of kindness to us was our saving grace! After we purchased the card we were excitedly looking for this mother and daughter duo. And just like that, they appeared from around the corner. The little girl had a toy in her hand and I finally got up the nerve to tell her that we were performing random acts of kindness today and that we wanted to give her a gift card to buy herself or someone else a little something extra. I then gave them the little card that we wrote up to give along with the gift that tells the recipient that we are doing these acts of kindness in memory of our baby son Leo. This mother’s reaction was instant. Warm and comforting and immediately embraced me. She hugged me so genuinely, we all began to tear up. We wanted to leave before we really started crying! As we walked away, her little girl yelled after us … “God bless!” It was so memorable.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

After the success of this one, we decided to head over to the grocery store next door and try the in-person RAK again. So for #LeoRAK number 10, we purchased a gift card and felt a little shy once again, but, we built up the courage and walked up to a man that was just about to pay for his groceries. We offered him the gift card to help pay for his groceries, and instantly I could see his gratitude in his eyes. We were thankful to witness this.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on

After a quick stop home to cuddle with our kittens, we headed off to dinner to fuel up some more to complete our final two acts of kindness.

For #LeoRAK number 11, we went to one of my favorite stores, Barnes & Noble. One of  the visions that we had in our minds as we imagined a life with Leo was being able to read him lots and lots of books. So even though it was after 9 PM already, we went into B&N and picked up a gift card. We asked the cashier to give it to someone after us along with the note card we had written out.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on


#LeoRAK number 12 was our final act of kindness. We reserved that for for ourselves. After spending an entire day honoring our son with acts of kindness for others, we spent that time reflecting on the qualities that we each love about each other. About why we chose to honor our son in this way. We spent an entire day speaking kind words and sitting deep with the love we have for our son. We acknowledge that his absence has caused us the deepest pain we’ve ever known, but also know that the depth of that grief is due to the depth of our love for him. And we honor him by being the best parents that we can be to him. So, we spent the day being kind to ourselves, for in showing kindness to others we are rewarding ourselves at the highest level. Sometimes being kind to ourselves, especially when we may have moments that are steeped in pain, becomes a tall order. But we must do this.

Thank you for joining us as we shared this special day of kindness in honor of our dearest son. We appreciate all of you that joined us with your own random acts of kindness, whether it was in honor of Leo, or in honor of someone else that you love. We will always make an effort to choose kindness, for its rewards are far greater than any amount that we give. And if you are ever in an position to choose, always choose kindness.

We love you, Leo. And although you are not physically here, you will always be with us. We are your parents and that has been your greatest act of kindness to us. Thank you, Leo.

We’ve got a plan

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IVF plan

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve continued with our research, conversations and have made many, many decisions. We’re happy to announce that we’ve settled on a surrogacy agency to represent us (more on that once it’s super duper official). And just today, we had a multi-hour meeting with our fertility clinic to go over our upcoming IVF plan. It included a lot of math and dollar signs. Thankfully, we had done plenty of research ahead of time so we avoided showing a face of terror as the the financial consultant’s 10-key calculator kept ringing up numbers higher and higher. We walked away with a good understanding of the entire process, what is expected of us and what our potential timeline looks like. So, as of now, the countdown begins! If all goes smoothly, we should be slotted for an egg retrieval some time in April 2016.

In the meantime, we still have lots of tests to submit ourselves to, finish up our contracts and profile with our agency, and most importantly, research and implement some changes to my daily routine to help optimize our egg retrieval experience, including adding some more maca root powder to my diet, take more vitamins, and throw in some acupuncture for good measure. And somewhere I’ll have to dig up some lucky socks or maybe I just need a new pair, because let’s just face it — any socks I’ve ever worn before just haven’t been that lucky. (;

So, let’s do this!

xo.

We are ready!

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It’s been 904 days. 129 weeks and 1 day. 2 years, 5 months, 21 days. It’s been that long since our Leo died. And during that time, we’ve experienced so many different emotions. Highs and lows, a lot of lows. But the highs were all the more meaningful. Our hearts broke. They broke wide open. They have broken wide open to the possibility of something new. A little spark of hope for a miracle that never did die. For the two of us, it has meant a lot of soul-searching. A lot of late-night pillow talk about our dreams and hopes and the what-in-the-hell-do-we-do-next talks.

Well, we’ve decided. After much thought and consideration (and a lot of hard work), we have opted to pursue IVF in hopes of creating embryos. And then we hope those embryos will be carefully transferred to a woman we have yet to meet. A Gestational Carrier. A dream-come-true. Our hope. Our gift-giver. A surrogate mother for our maybe-baby. Our bun, her oven.

The process is complicated. It’s scary. It’s filled with excitement. It’s filled with terror! Yet, this is what we’re doing. We’re doing it, guys. WE. ARE. DOING. IT! And we’re about to get started very soon! In just a matter of weeks, we’ll begin the IVF process. This will entail lots of testing. Lots of injections and other medications. And lots of visits to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Blood draws. Lots of ovarian monitoring. A minor surgical procedure for an egg retrieval. Then, we’re going to fertilize those eggs (he has the easy part!) And then we’re going to wait. We’re going to wish and hope that those little things turn into 100-cell embryos. And then we’re going to test those embryos via something called PGD. All in hopes that we can select the most viable little embryo(s) to transfer to a gestational surrogate that will carry the greatest gift we’ve ever known.

Photo by Stephanie Sarles

Photo by Stephanie Sarles

You see, I’ve had a history of recurrent pregnancy loss. I’ve lost five (5) babies already. Most of you reading this know our little lion, Leo. He reminded me just how much I have yearned to be a mama. And he, most of all, made me a mom. And, I’d like to take that one step further, and mother our own little babe here in the flesh. And, because I’ve had so many losses that have never really been explained, we are giving this all that we’ve got. We’re testing my chromosomes – karyotyping – to ensure that my DNA isn’t a tiny bit broken, especially since Leo was diagnosed with XYY Syndrome after his death. We’re going all the way.

We hope that you’ll join us along this journey. Making a baby is supposed to be simple and natural. I realize that this may be far from what you have experienced or know, and we can’t thank you enough for your support. Things haven’t come very easy to us in this department. But, we’re ready. We’re ready for our Rainbow Baby.

xo.

The first anniversary – May 9th

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And so it begins. The start of all the annual anniversaries of the best of times and then the worst of times.

One year ago today, I found myself feeling a little under the weather (just like today). I was tired and *it* was late. I sauntered into the corner Walgreen’s. I took my sweet time as I neared the pregnancy test aisle. I spotted a co-worker and I quickly made a detour to the snack aisle. Once I knew he was gone, I headed back and picked up a 2-pack of First Response pregnancy tests. You know, the Early Results one. I, like so many times before, believed that by merely peeing on this stick, it would bring on the abnormally-delayed Aunt Flo.

I was back in the office, ventured into the bathroom and took out a test and aced it. Say what!? Two lines. And right away, too. And really quite obviously pregnant. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to freak out! I wrote my husband to tell him and I’m pretty sure I sent a text of the test. I sent a text to my best friends. There it was, in my hand. In my womb. I was pregnant. Holy ish! I had never really gotten pregnant on my own before.

From that day forward, I had one mission – to get my health in order and get this baby here safely. My hope was that a year from May 9th, I’d have an infant in my arms. I would whisper to my baby that today I found out that he was going to exist. The miracle that he was. I’d be excited to finally find myself honored on Mother’s Day, instead of left out like the so many years before.

But, that isn’t how today is going to go down. Instead, I sit here, probably one of the only people in the world that knows what today is for me.

May 9, 2013 was still a hope-filled day. I’ll still remember it for the rest of my existence. It was the day that my son was born into my heart. He’ll always remain there.

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.

Acts of Kindness – #KindnessProject

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http://www.pinterest.com/unicornplanet1/

With Leo’s due date being today, January 11, 2014, I had been wanting to do something to honor his memory. I decided that I would carry out Random Acts of Kindness during the week leading up to his due date.

Doing this and asking others about Acts of Kindness has inspired me to find a way to be conscious of this at all times. But, what has become apparent, is that I am not so sure that we’re often able to recognize and then recall Acts of Kindness bestowed upon us. I’m meditating on this and how to find a practical way to both recognize and acknowledge these moments of kindness. More to come on this topic.

That being said, losing my son has been quite the learning experience for me. I am thankful for the journey or the willingness to learn and grow from the tragedy of losing my son. I am finding that my being kind to others (and myself!) that I am able to feel more connected to his spirit. The idea that he only knew love and my own heart, it seems fitting that his calling card should be Kindness.

Please consider making a Random Acts of Kindness list for 2014. See how many of them you can complete. Or, consider getting a group of friends together and make your own lists and then exchange them. Try and complete some of each other’s acts. Or, make a list with your children and/or family. I guarantee you will be astounded by the way it makes you feel to do kind things for others. The world needs more of this – if only to allow for us to recognize and appreciate kindness all around us.

We live in a self-centered world. Let’s change that.

Here are some inspiring quotes & ideas to get you started:

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” – The Dalai Lama

RAK: Plant a Tree

RAK: Write a note to someone that has made an impact in your life, even for a moment. Recognize it and let them know.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” – Robert Byrne

RAK: Open up a phone book or choose someone in your neighborhood and send them a greeting card.

RAK: Appreciate YOURSELF as an act of kindness. Treat yourself to something you have held back on.

“What you deny to others will be denied to you, for the plain reason that you are always legislating for yourself; all your words and actions define the world you want to live in.” – Thaddeus Golas

RAK: Give another driver your parking spot.

RAK: Pick up litter.

“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin

Here’s the small list of things that I did this week (only to inspire you and MYSELF to continue this practice).

– Bought a young foster child her very first bike through OneSimpleWish.org
– Paid for Someone’s lunch (co-worker)
– Donated books for children that need them through FirstBook.org
– Paid for Someone’s dinner (stranger)
– Donated diapers & wipes to HomelessPrenatal.org
– Paid for someone’s birthday cake! (I spoke to the baker at Safeway and we found a cake on order for a Baby’s 1st Birthday. I left a card for when they picked up the cake today)
– Couple’s massages scheduled for US. (It’s difficult to be kind to yourself when you are grieving, it’s a MUST, however)
– I’m hoping to do a few more today when we’re out and about, including being extra generous to our massage therapists and perhaps paying for someone’s movie ticket!

January 11, 2014 is sort of my own New Year’s Day. May this year be better than the last.

XO, Isabel

A Long December

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Source: http://www.pinterest.com/mynameisnotandy/

I’ve been rather quiet. I never quite knew how difficult the month of December would be. Leo’s official due date is January 11, 2014. So by now, I’d be about 40 weeks pregnant.

I always knew that he would be born earlier, as with my complicated pregnancy, they planned to induce no later than 38 weeks. Plus, I was only half-joking with my doctor that I wanted a tax-break baby. Ha!

So, the month of December was almost as equally painful as the month of August when I first lost Leo. It was different as I found myself (and currently find myself) steeped in this wide range of emotions and with the great addition of Grief Anger.

It was difficult because it was the month where it felt like I was all alone with my thoughts and the ideas of the plans that were supposed to be. I had gotten through the month of October (or Oughtober, the month of ought-to-be’s) and November only hosted one holiday that I needed to get through. I did. It may have been with the help of several glasses of red wine. And all while trying to maintain composure in front of a lot of people.

December – by then, I felt more isolated and in pain. Feeling that I should be nesting or in the hospital getting ready to deliver. The deliveries and emails increased. Similac being the greatest and most forceful of the advertisers. I didn’t want to be around anyone for the holidays and New Year’s didn’t feel like the resetting of the clock. January 11, 2014 would be the reset instead.

The month of December was filled with a constant fight with the knot in my throat and the tears that I couldn’t stop. No matter where I was, I could be flooded with emotion at any given moment. Mostly in public spaces, like the train or sitting at my desk in the office.

So, I’m starting to come out of this fog, especially since Leo’s due date is tomorrow. Although this date wouldn’t have been the day he’d have been born, it was still a date that we tracked against. Until now, it still just feels like I’m waiting to exhale.

XO, Isabel

My first funeral

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I was thinking about my first funeral the other day. My initial thoughts were that for most people, their first funeral was more than likely a grandparent or an elder relative. A small survey amongst my friends confirmed for me that this mostly holds true. I also found that for most, their first funeral was at around the age of eight or nine.

I am the exception. My first funeral was not a grandparent or an elder relative. I lost two of my grandparents before I was born, and my third after only meeting him once and at the age of five. I was thankful to have my Abuelita (grandmother in Spanish) until 2008. I have been to many, many funerals in my life. Most were lives cut tragically short. My first funeral is no exception. I will describe what this was like, but not before warning you. You should not continue reading if death is disturbing to you, especially if it involves a baby.

You’ve been warned.

I was about eight years old when I went to my first funeral. So far, we’re in the realm of averages for funeral attendance. Here’s where it all ends: My first funeral was for a young woman and her stillborn baby. I can’t even remember this young woman’s name. I cannot recall if her baby girl was given a name, either. I cannot even remember her husband’s name. But, I can remember the name of their daughter that was left to live with the aftermath of losing her mother at the age of four. I remember her little face filled with sorrow and confusion. Her bob haircut and bangs there were cut bluntly across her forehead, just like mine were.

Her mother was in her mid to late 20’s. I’m pretty sure she was around 24 – 26 years of age. She was a Jehovah’s Witness, as I was when I was a kid. She belonged to our congregation and was full-term when she went into labor with her second daughter. Her baby died. All that I know is that she had severe bleeding, beyond that I am unsure as to what exactly happened. However, since she was a Jehovah’s Witness she would have signed a legal medical directive to refuse all blood transfusions. A blood transfusion or blood substitute could have saved her life, but since I am not privy to the details, I can’t say for certain. It was her deeply held belief and it more than likely was a contributing cause to her death. I could write a lot more about what I think about this, out of respect for her choice and her life and others I know, I will not.

NO-BLOOD-TRANSFUSION

So, there is the context in which I attended my first funeral at the age of eight. It was an open casket funeral with a lot of mourners. The woman had beautiful dark hair, much like the baby in her arms and the daughter she left behind. I remember she was wearing a pretty dress and her baby, with its blue and dry little lips, was cradled in her arms. Forever.

This image has stuck with me all these years. Those images. It’s sort of hard to erase them from your mind. It was traumatic. Even now, I can’t shake that sense of sadness for that little girl left behind. The longing in her eyes for her mother to come back to her. I have no idea what ever happened to that little girl. Her father remarried rather quickly and had more children, too. The hair color of the family always stuck with me because that little girl’s new stepmom had blonde hair. And her new little half-siblings had very light hair. It was a reinforcement that she was the only thing left behind from her mother’s union to her father.

This funeral introduced me to the fact that babies died sometimes. That mothers could die, too.

Later, I would discover that my great-grandmother also died during childbirth and left behind several children, including a very small child that had Down Syndrome and was completely dependent on his mother. They say he died of a broken heart after her passing. Or maybe it’s just that no one knew how to meet his needs and care for him in the 1920’s in Mexico.

Over the years, I’d attend many more funerals. Accidents. A shooting. Cancer. Accidental overdose. Heart attacks. And many more accidents. But even now as an adult, I don’t think I could ever be prepared for a mother and child together in death. It is a sorrow of the deepest kind. More than I can even imagine. For something that was meant to bring so much joy, it was marked with incredible grief and trauma.

I guess the only advice I can give, thanks to one of my friends that is a Funeral Director, is to talk to your children about death when appropriate. If there is a death in the family or someone in your community, talk to your child about death and the funeral process and rituals. Give your child a choice as to whether or not they would like to attend. Respect his or her wishes. And then talk some more. Keep the line open to speak about death and relieve any fears he or she might have. Death is a part of life. It’s a cycle and we will all face it in one way or another. Having a healthy perspective on this part of life will only help your child in the long run.

XO, Isabel

Happy baby shower day

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no-baby-shower

Well, it was supposed to be. Today. My baby shower. The first. Or what was supposed to be. October 26, 2013. 2 PM. A lot of you were on the invitation list. Lots of you. Some very near. Some very far. A lot of you wanted to be there to witness this joy. To cheer me on. To shower me and our baby with love. A lot of you wanted this for me, more than anything else. In some case, more than anyone else. None of you wanted this more than I did. None of you feel as deeply as I do today, my No-Baby Shower day.

My sister had already put a deposit in with the venue, because, you see, so many of you wanted to be there. And I wanted so many of you to be there that we didn’t have enough room at her house. So, we picked a little venue that would give us all plenty of room to enjoy this day. We had picked a theme, even. It was going to feature books. Lots and lots of books! We were going to start Leo’s love for reading from the get-go. Actually, from within the womb. I was starting to read to him and sing to him. I’d feel him kick. But, yes, I was going to start his library. And I was going to read to that little boy. Read and read and read until he could yell at me to “stop reading so much, mom!”

But, my sister had to ask for her deposit back. The party was canceled. “My sister’s baby died”, she told the kind woman on the other end of the telephone. And with her deepest apologies, the woman returned to my sister her very hopeful deposit. We canceled all the plans. I deleted the list I had made of all invitees. I deleted the too-hopeful baby registry entry that I had yet to even publish. I deleted all the books from my Amazon Wish List and from my Amazon shopping cart. I deleted the Pinterest board of all the ideas I had collected for Leo, including all the baby boy outfits and baby nursery ideas.

I still sit in the very office that was going to be his nursery. We were going to share a space. This very room was going to be Leo’s nursery and my office. I was going to have one tiny little corner of the room with a small desk and my computer. The rest was going to be Leo’s space until he was old enough to do damage to my workspace. I was going to pick colors that would please us both. It was going to be our sacred space. Now, it still sits the way it was when I moved in, there are still boxes that need unpacking. There is still my old black desk with a magazine clipping that says “poetry is dead” decoupaged, by accident, on the top. I still have his folder of ultrasound images and my medical records and hospital discharge instructions to my left. The walls are still painted blue, as the previous resident had left them. We moved in knowing we were pregnant. But we didn’t know whether it was a boy or a girl yet, so we left the walls blue, you know, just-in-case. And then it was a boy, so I thought, maybe I liked the walls blue. And so I left them. And now these very blue walls close in on me at times with the little spirit of a boy that was never in my arms. That only sprinkled into my life for a short moment, yet will drown me in memories forever.

Day 4: Legacy

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Day 4: Legacy - "For you never had a voice, I will never silence mine." - #CaptureYourGrief

Day 4: Legacy
“For you never had a voice, I will never silence mine.”

Carrying over from yesterday’s theme about myths, today we explore the idea of legacy. Yesterday I said that it is more of a myth when someone says to me “You are so brave”, when I feel that I would be no braver than you in the face of losing a child.

When I think of the word “legacy” I instead think of what I would have left behind for my son; an inheritance or as many of life’s lessons that I could teach him. I never thought that my own child would leave something behind for me.

Yet, here I am left with Leo’s Legacy. The idea that I won’t ever understand ‘Why?’ but that I still must continue forward living, because it’s what I would have counseled my son to do in the face of devastating loss. I would have told him to be brave. To have courage. To be thankful and seek joy in the smallest of things. I would have told him that the world owes us nothing and we should give of ourselves for the joy it brings.

The photograph I’m showing here was taken a little over a year ago. I was working with my team and we were doing a photo-shoot in San Francisco. I saw this message beautifully strewn across an old beat-up truck. I think back to those words now — “Trust Your Struggle” — and in moments of deep introspection, I find comfort in this process. I find myself feeling awash with grief at times, when in the next moment I feel the warmth of gratitude. I have shed tears in public spaces; my desk at work, the train during my commute, my car on the drive home or even the grocery store, should I end up in the diaper aisle.

Even as little as a year ago, I would have held back. I would have stopped myself from just feeling. I have learned to trust these feelings of struggle. To know that the tomorrows I had wished for with my son will no longer be. His legacy to me is a reminder that I do have a voice. I do have a way to express this process, and where others might be afraid to trust their struggle, I will be the voice of reassurance that it’s okay.

Leo left me with reminder that I am his Mother. A Lioness. And I have a lot of roar left.