Day 4: Legacy
“For you never had a voice, I will never silence mine.”

Carrying over from yesterday’s theme about myths, today we explore the idea of legacy. Yesterday I said that it is more of a myth when someone says to me “You are so brave”, when I feel that I would be no braver than you in the face of losing a child.

When I think of the word “legacy” I instead think of what I would have left behind for my son; an inheritance or as many of life’s lessons that I could teach him. I never thought that my own child would leave something behind for me.

Yet, here I am left with Leo’s Legacy. The idea that I won’t ever understand ‘Why?’ but that I still must continue forward living, because it’s what I would have counseled my son to do in the face of devastating loss. I would have told him to be brave. To have courage. To be thankful and seek joy in the smallest of things. I would have told him that the world owes us nothing and we should give of ourselves for the joy it brings.

The photograph I’m showing here was taken a little over a year ago. I was working with my team and we were doing a photo-shoot in San Francisco. I saw this message beautifully strewn across an old beat-up truck. I think back to those words now — “Trust Your Struggle” — and in moments of deep introspection, I find comfort in this process. I find myself feeling awash with grief at times, when in the next moment I feel the warmth of gratitude. I have shed tears in public spaces; my desk at work, the train during my commute, my car on the drive home or even the grocery store, should I end up in the diaper aisle.

Even as little as a year ago, I would have held back. I would have stopped myself from just feeling. I have learned to trust these feelings of struggle. To know that the tomorrows I had wished for with my son will no longer be. His legacy to me is a reminder that I do have a voice. I do have a way to express this process, and where others might be afraid to trust their struggle, I will be the voice of reassurance that it’s okay.

Leo left me with reminder that I am his Mother. A Lioness. And I have a lot of roar left.

Day 3: Myths
#CaptureYourGrief

“You are so brave”
Truth: I am no braver than you would be.

I am no braver than you would be. Losing my child was not my choice. I didn’t go into this knowing I could be brave and full of courage. I went in like anyone else; with hope and full of love. Hope that this story would have a happy ending, despite countless losses before.

I am no braver than you would be. The truth is, I have to keep living. I am choosing to move forward and be thankful for all that I have around me. To choose joy instead.

I am no braver than you would be. I choose joy because it’s what I would have wished for my son.

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month (also Remembrance), with the day being October 15th.

I am participating in this movement by doing a photography project meant to heal, called Capture Your Grief (#CaptureYourGrief).

Day 2: Identity

His name is Leonardo, Leo for short. He is my son. My reflex is to write this in past-tense, but the truth is, he IS my son. He always will be.

He was named after my paternal grandfather, Leonardo, and not the pizza-loving Ninja Turtle nor that King of the World, DiCaprio. I’ve always loved the name Leo. I always wanted to have a son and give him this powerful name. It means “Strong as a Lion” – and he was to be my Little Lion my Lion Heart. And He is.

His middle name was still undecided, but it was probably going to be Nícolas. But, we had chosen his Hebrew name. This name was to be bestowed upon his 8th day of life. It was to be “Ari Nissim” – Ari meaning “Lion of God” and Nissim meaning “Miracles” or “Wondrous things” – and how fitting it would have been! My nephew Benjamin was born on the same day we learned that Leo’s heart stopped beating. He now carries the Hebrew middle name of Nissim. It couldn’t belong to a better person, for his life is a miracle, too.

Although I don’t really believe in Astrology, it’s always fun to read about the sign in which you were born under, and I was born under the Fire sign of Leo. I am a Leo. My son was “born” under the same sign, only a few days after my birthday on August 14, 2013. Although it was far from his due date, he ended up being a Leo, too. My Little Lion.

XO, Isabel