I’ve been rather quiet. I never quite knew how difficult the month of December would be. Leo’s official due date is January 11, 2014. So by now, I’d be about 40 weeks pregnant.
I always knew that he would be born earlier, as with my complicated pregnancy, they planned to induce no later than 38 weeks. Plus, I was only half-joking with my doctor that I wanted a tax-break baby. Ha!
So, the month of December was almost as equally painful as the month of August when I first lost Leo. It was different as I found myself (and currently find myself) steeped in this wide range of emotions and with the great addition of Grief Anger.
It was difficult because it was the month where it felt like I was all alone with my thoughts and the ideas of the plans that were supposed to be. I had gotten through the month of October (or Oughtober, the month of ought-to-be’s) and November only hosted one holiday that I needed to get through. I did. It may have been with the help of several glasses of red wine. And all while trying to maintain composure in front of a lot of people.
December – by then, I felt more isolated and in pain. Feeling that I should be nesting or in the hospital getting ready to deliver. The deliveries and emails increased. Similac being the greatest and most forceful of the advertisers. I didn’t want to be around anyone for the holidays and New Year’s didn’t feel like the resetting of the clock. January 11, 2014 would be the reset instead.
The month of December was filled with a constant fight with the knot in my throat and the tears that I couldn’t stop. No matter where I was, I could be flooded with emotion at any given moment. Mostly in public spaces, like the train or sitting at my desk in the office.
So, I’m starting to come out of this fog, especially since Leo’s due date is tomorrow. Although this date wouldn’t have been the day he’d have been born, it was still a date that we tracked against. Until now, it still just feels like I’m waiting to exhale.
Mina Gobler says
As you exhale, I hope you breathe out the pain that has filled your mind and soul this past year. I wish you calming peace.
I’m so sorry, I understand your pain. I am also approaching a due date that fills me with sadness, fear and anger all over again, as much as it did the day I lost him. And I found December particularly hard. Sending you hugs, love and strength during this horribly tough time xx
I continue to learn about the process of grieving through your experience. I’m always thinking about you but definitely will be in a big way tomorrow.
I know time can’t alleviate loss but I’m confident that one day, Dec/Jan will be a time for remembering how brightly Leo’s spark shines, even though he is not with us. But for now, I’m so sorry that this is such an emotionally painful time.
Sending you armloads of hugs! xoxo