XO, Isabel

Hope and Courage: Our Surrogacy Journey

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A Long December

January 10, 20143 Comments

Source: http://www.pinterest.com/mynameisnotandy/

I’ve been rather quiet. I never quite knew how difficult the month of December would be. Leo’s official due date is January 11, 2014. So by now, I’d be about 40 weeks pregnant.

I always knew that he would be born earlier, as with my complicated pregnancy, they planned to induce no later than 38 weeks. Plus, I was only half-joking with my doctor that I wanted a tax-break baby. Ha!

So, the month of December was almost as equally painful as the month of August when I first lost Leo. It was different as I found myself (and currently find myself) steeped in this wide range of emotions and with the great addition of Grief Anger.

It was difficult because it was the month where it felt like I was all alone with my thoughts and the ideas of the plans that were supposed to be. I had gotten through the month of October (or Oughtober, the month of ought-to-be’s) and November only hosted one holiday that I needed to get through. I did. It may have been with the help of several glasses of red wine. And all while trying to maintain composure in front of a lot of people.

December – by then, I felt more isolated and in pain. Feeling that I should be nesting or in the hospital getting ready to deliver. The deliveries and emails increased. Similac being the greatest and most forceful of the advertisers. I didn’t want to be around anyone for the holidays and New Year’s didn’t feel like the resetting of the clock. January 11, 2014 would be the reset instead.

The month of December was filled with a constant fight with the knot in my throat and the tears that I couldn’t stop. No matter where I was, I could be flooded with emotion at any given moment. Mostly in public spaces, like the train or sitting at my desk in the office.

So, I’m starting to come out of this fog, especially since Leo’s due date is tomorrow. Although this date wouldn’t have been the day he’d have been born, it was still a date that we tracked against. Until now, it still just feels like I’m waiting to exhale.

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Daily, Leo, Loss, Miscarriage, Stillbirth Tagged: leo

Inspired by Haiku

September 27, 20133 Comments

I sift through this process of grieving and balancing living the new normal. There are plenty of topics to cover about the subject of infertility, miscarriage and baby loss. I have organized my thoughts and created calendars and made notes of what I’ll write next.

Today, I decided to simply take a mental break from the brainstorming of my daily work routine. I took to writing haikus. Actually, I was inspired by my mother-in-law. She just began to share some of her poetry, the first two being haikus. I’m no poet, certainly not, but I liked the idea of creating a haiku. I adhered to only the simple rules of syllables, as one would with a haiku. The rules of 5, 7, 5. Five syllables. Seven syllables. Five again to end. I embraced this challenge. Although I could be free to write what I chose, there is a set of rules, boundaries. They’re short. There was no excuse.

Today, I wrote three.

XO, Isabel - Haiku - Loud Expecations

XO, Isabel - Haiku - F. Demise

XO, Isabel - Haiku - Hope

 

These, of course, are about my experiences. The last, about hope.

Because, as Emily Dickinson says, “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers” and oh how right she is.

xo-isabel-hope-is-the-thing-with-feathers

XO, Isabel

P.S. All images, photography and writings in this post & blog are of my own creation (unless noted). Please do not modify in any way. Thank you! 🙂

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Filed Under: Daily, My Work, Quotes & Images Tagged: haiku, poetry

My first day back to work

September 16, 20131 Comment

My routine had been disrupted. Well, life had been disrupted.

Today I resumed the routine of getting up early, ready and out the door for work. It was my first day back to the office after being out for about a month on leave. I wasn’t sure how the day would go, I was nervous in anticipating awkwardness and having to say the words–“we lost the baby.”

On the train ride, I was finding myself typically observant, but my eyes filled with tears most of the ride there. Again, anticipating.

I got a couple of hugs saying that they were glad to have me back. I quickly absorbed myself with the mundane. Checking email. Responding to email. Sharing laughs with my cubicle mate. Nobody asked me what happened. Nobody said they were sorry. They just were glad to see that I was back. I was thankful for that.

So, in the end, it was like ripping off a band-aid. The hard part is over.

I am most thankful to my boss. He helped spread the word prior to my return, as I asked him to do. They were very respectful of my privacy, so nobody really knew why I was out. To him, I’m incredibly thankful. It made today a little less awkward.

I end the day with great relief. A nice long day. A good day.

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Daily Tagged: work

Guest post: My Friend, Isabel

September 14, 20134 Comments

A few years ago, I met my friend Stephanie. We became fast friends and I am thankful to have her friendship and love. When Leo died and I began to write about this experience, I had asked her if she would consider writing a post for my blog. She is a writer, so it seemed like a natural idea. She had already started writing it.

She sent it to me about a week after Leo died, but it hadn’t felt like the right time to post it. I thought today would be the perfect day, since it has been one month since my son left my body. I’ve decided that today will be the anniversary of his “birth” and also the anniversary of his death. August 14, 2013. The day we found out he died, August 12, 2013 now belongs to someone else. Adopting August 14th feels better.

I wanted to share her perspective as my friend, one of many that has been by my side every single day and has had to experience her own emotions during this time.

XO,  Isabel

Isabel & Stephanie

Isabel & Stephanie

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

My Friend, Isabel

I’m sitting with my son and we are watching the original Dumbo. In the opening scene, animals at the zoo receive gifts from storks in the night. My son says “Moon.” When he sees the storks, he says, “Bird-teet, teet.”  As all the animals receive their babies, he says “Baby…Mama.” Then the elephant looks into the sky for her baby. It never arrives. My son says “Where’d it go?”

I burst into tears.

A week ago today, my best friend lost her baby boy. She was just shy of five months pregnant. His name was Leo, and he existed. He was loved.

“Straight from heaven, up above, here is a baby boy for you to love,” says the stork. I can barely keep it together. My son is squealing and I try to smile but I cry because he will never know Leo, and my friend and I had just started to make plans for these boys. We hadn’t done that for 16 weeks. We were cautious. We thought she was past the point of miscarriage. We were wrong.

Isabel and I met in 2008 at work. I had been a temp there for a few months when she was hired. We were put into the same orientation class together and coincidentally sat next to each other. Within the first few words, I was drawn to her on a spiritual level. I don’t know why, but there was energy there.

During our lunch break, Isabel left and I went back to my desk. Everyone wanted to know about the “new girl.”  I happily announced to my co-workers “Her name is Isabel and I love her. We are going to be best friends. You’ll all love her too.”

And there it was.

Isabel joined our team and we became fast friends and everyone loved her. For the next three years, we shared lunch and lots of talks. Our life stories, secrets, love for Coldplay, new realizations, religious beliefs and disbeliefs. I went to her wedding; she came to my family BBQ and my house for New Years Eve.  We had so much in common, including infertility.

Her struggle is a deep, long battle between her body and science. She suffered miscarriages and had undergone several rounds of various treatments before meeting me, all were unsuccessful. I myself had struggled with secondary infertility after having one child and trying for ten years for another. When I met Isabel, I was at the end of my hope.

We both have family members who seemed to get pregnant with apparent ease and with each pregnancy, we would console one another. Not because we weren’t happy for our family member, but because the sting of not being pregnant, the thought of attending another baby shower, the pain of watching others’ create families and grow children—that pain that we may never, ever feel that, is too hard to describe. Infertility is a constant reminder that our bodies didn’t work.

My struggle was emotionally tough, but not nearly as tough as hers. I always felt guilty because hey, “at least I had one,” but that wasn’t enough for me. I never really had anyone talk about or addresses secondary infertility. But Isabel did. One particular dark day for me, I explained my guiltiness to her. She said I had nothing to feel guilty about and that she totally understood the frustration that comes from “wanting our bodies to do the one natural thing they were made to do.” We felt broken. Even though I had a daughter, there was void and Isabel helped me realize that it was ok to be sad.

In 2011, I got pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I drove to her house and told her face-to-face. She deserved that. And she was happy for me. I know she was. I was sad, guilt-ridden, happy and vulnerable. I love my friend and as much as I wanted this pregnancy – I wanted it for her first. Early on, we had difficult conversations about my feelings that our friendship would change. The fact that we discussed these thoughts together created a boundary that helped us get through the following nine months, and maintain a close friendship to this day.

I had my baby, and she was there for me. She took his photos as a newborn and again at six months. We talked candidly about my guilt. She reassured me, but didn’t minimize her sadness. This is one of the things I love about my friend. She will not minimize her suffering. It is real. She will simply converse and explain that today isn’t a good day, etc. and I completely, totally respect that.

A few months ago, she texted me a photo. It took a while to download on my phone and I remember being frustrated with my phone … and then there it was. A positive pregnancy stick. I lost my shit. She was pregnant!!  BUT, I knew better than to celebrate my friend, for her track record isn’t the most positive. So I called her and tried to hide my excitement. I couldn’t.  As soon as I heard her voice, almost immediately, I felt something different. The past year, she had done SO much work to get healthier, be more active, and evolve mentally and emotionally. In my heart, I felt that this was it—this was her time. She was more cautious than I, but I know part of her felt the same.

For the next few weeks, our conversations were timid. At times, our words walked on eggshells. With each week that passed, we just wanted to get to week EIGHT – Then TWLEVE—then THIRTEEN—and then FIFTEEN. Yes, we were encouraged that the rates of miscarriage significantly decrease after these monumental weeks. I cried happy tears when she heard the heartbeat. I saved the ultrasound picture. I bragged to mutual acquaintances. I cried when I saw her announcement on Facebook. Then, she found out the gender, a boy. And the tears poured again. My friend would be a mother!  Our boys would be buddies.

“So how’d you guys meet?”
–“Our moms are best friends, we grew up knowing each other our whole lives.”

Isabel is family to me. My family loves her. And her husband is my husband’s buddy. And our boys would be lifetime friends. Cautiously, we let ourselves dream a little. I was SO HAPPY for my friend and her hubby, at times I couldn’t resist the urge to text her my dreams….she was 16 weeks—way past 13, things were moving along just right.

One night last week, she posted a photo of her belly. She doesn’t do that often and I took it to my husband. He said “WOW, she’s showing! I’m so happy for them.” And we were. But the next day, I received the news. Leo had gone still. Sometime in the past few days, his little heart stopped beating.

When I found out, I was in my car.  I burst into inconsolable tears, and sat on the side of the road for a few minutes.

What do I say?  What do I do? Why her? I cursed God. I wanted to hug my friend. I wanted to hack into her Facebook account and just delete it. Her most recent photo was of her growing baby and the one before, the gender announcement.  I wanted to drive to her home….I wanted to make this go away for her.

NOT HER. NO.

I wanted to protect her. I wanted to comfort her. All of these things came to mind within 30 seconds. But I could do nothing.

I eventually got back on the road and I ugly cried all the way home and for the next three days, I cried.

What do you do when your someone you adore experiences this type of loss? What do you say?

I Googled what to say and found a great list of things to avoid:

http://moms.popsugar.com/10-Things-Say-Say-After-Miscarriage-27333906

It helped.

So I simply said “I don’t know what to say. But I love you.”

For the next three days, my friend had to carry her deceased baby in her tummy. My spirit was with her. I was consistently trying to put myself in her shoes. I would have shared the burden if I could. But I couldn’t do much. It gave me comfort knowing that her husband was by her side, but my heart broke for him as well. He’s such a softy.

For three days, I just checked in with her. I never once asked ”How are you doing?” Not in the beginning and not during that first week because if you even try to imagine her loss – you would know, she was NOT ok.

As much as I wasn’t prepared for her loss, I was oblivious to the horrific details of what a mother goes through in those 72 hours. Induction or D&E? Cremation or discard as medical waste? Instead of picking out a going-home outfit, my sweet friend and her husband picked out a crimson heart urn.

I tried to stay strong, but I couldn’t. When your close friend is in so much pain, and there is nothing you can do, you feel so helpless.

“What can I do?” I asked her. I know it’s on the no-no list of things to ask. But we live pretty far apart and she didn’t want me to come see her yet. She said just knowing I was here was enough. But it’s not to me.

I spent countless time reading people’s condolences on her Facebook account. Most were genuine and thoughtful, but some, “it’s God’s will” – “God is preparing you for something great” — these messages drove me INSANE.

I have advice for people who don’t know what to say—JUST FUCKING SAY THAT— “Isabel & Randy, I don’t know what to say. But I am thinking of you. I care.” THAT is enough. When you take the GOD’S WILL route, you exasperate the unanswered WHYs—questions that will never, ever be answered and it’s not enough to say it was up to GOD. Because if GOD knew my friend the way I do, she would be a mom to her own child. So, don’t.even.go.there.

A week has passed since my friend suffered this unimaginable loss and trauma to her body that no one talks about. Unsurprisingly, she has already started a blog and joined a group to bring awareness to miscarriages, stillbirth, loss, and grieving parents. This process of losing a child in utero is one that no one talks about enough. Women aren’t encouraged to grieve. They don’t know their choices in the hospital. They don’t know the questions to ask. This is going to change. Isabel will help change that, the world, you watch. Isabel is going to be heard. Leo was a lion, and even if he isn’t coming back, you’re going to hear him roar through his mama and I’m going to be there for her forever.

I still cry for my friend. I do pray. But most importantly, I am just letting her know that I am here. I am available. I check in with her daily. I will listen when she wants to talk. I don’t have advice per se, but I will do my best to honor my friend through this process and into the future. And through our most intimate conversations, I do not judge her decisions or feelings, I will not ask her how she’s doing, and I will never tell her what to do. I will never know what she’s gone through and I won’t pretend to. I am a friend, and my friend is in pain. I just need her to know that I don’t know what to say. But I am here and I always will be.  That’s what friends do.

XO,  Stephanie

———–
About Stephanie:

Stephanie Garcia is a Comedienne best known for her quick wit, sarcastic sense of humor, and impersonations of “Drunk Girls.” From a young age, she was fascinated with sketch comedy. At the age of five, she would impersonate any SNL character and entertained friends and family for hours. Steph moved around often, attended several elementary schools and three different high schools and learned quickly how to make friends – by making people laugh. In high school, Steph wrote parodies about current friends, bad habits, teachers, and embarrassing situations. Eventually she turned these parodies into live entertainment by acting out the stories behind the songs. People started telling Stephanie that she should do comedy. So, with the encouragement of close friends and family, in 2004, she entered an open‐mic contest and placed second. Now, in her 9th year of performing on stage, Stephanie draws upon experiences from her drunken nights as a single gal to getting married to a U.S. Marine, to becoming a Mother. Professionally, Stephanie is a copywriter and is working on her first book.  She regularly appears on Good Day Sacramento and was a finalist for America’s Funniest Housewife contest on The View last year.

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Filed Under: Daily, Guest Post, Infertility, Miscarriage, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Tagged: Anniversary, friendship, Guest Post, leo, Stephanie Garcia

Things I found #1 (Debut)

September 9, 20131 Comment

It’s no surprise, I like spending time online. I listen to music, chat with friends, watch videos and I read. Boy, do I read. I figured I’d share some of the stuff that I find interesting.

Liar, Liar! – “A new study shows that 62 per cent of us pretend to have read classic novels in order to appear more intelligent.”

Take a peek! – Look inside someone’s closet.

Boys and Their Fathers: Uncanny Portraits Blend Fathers And Sons Into A Single Person

Video: Welcome to World – Why Poverty?
““Welcome to the World” travels around the globe to examine the lottery of childbirth. Directed by Brian Hill for the Why Poverty? series, the documentary profiles three impoverished women having babies in the U.S., Cambodia and Sierra Leone and looks at the different options and chances that greet the world’s youngest citizens.”

Tweets:

I think many of us wonder if we did something wrong to cause our #miscarriage. You didn't. It's not your fault. xx

— MiscarriageHelp (@miscarriage_hlp) September 8, 2013

Sad news to report! @JackOsbourne's wife @MrsLisaOsbourne has a later term #miscarriage & lost their baby boy: http://t.co/tmqD597HOz

— Celebrity Baby Scoop (@celeb_babyscoop) September 6, 2013

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, unless you’re Todd’s uncle on Breaking Bad last night. He apparently misses every shot.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 9, 2013

When you experience moments of having nothing, you learn to appreciate everything.

— Sweet Cheeks (@supertweetjen) September 9, 2013

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Filed Under: Daily, Music, Things I found Tagged: music, photography, Things I found

Art Journal: Forever Always

September 1, 20132 Comments

Art Journal: Forever Always

Forever Always by Isabel G.
Art Journal, Mixed Media
August 31, 2013

I used to be very fond of creating entries in my Art Journal. Before, it was a way to channel any anxious energy and just create something instead of letting pain fester.

I’ll admit, for the longest time, probably since 2006, I left my collage supplies behind and never looked back. My heart didn’t need a reason to create in this way. I stuck to my camera, but even my camera had begun to collect dust.

Yesterday, I found myself in the shower with feelings of deep anger, to the point of rage. At no particular person or thing, just general anger. I was angry at people and circumstances. I knew I needed to do something about it, so, I did. I got out the paper and glue and paint and pastels.

I got my hands dirty. Forgive me, I’m rusty.

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Art Journal, Daily, My Work Tagged: Art Journal, collage, heart, mixed media

I’m here, perhaps not present

August 29, 20133 Comments

I’ve not been able to muster the strength to write anything. I’ve written to some privately and have spoken to others.

The truth is, I’m in pain. Emotional, no doubt, but, physical, too. It’s as if every inch of my physical self is manifesting the pain that I feel in my heart. I go through a range of emotions, from sadness to anger. Feeling alone and feeling suffocated. Wanting to move forward and pretend none of this happened. But, it did. I am working through it and it will take time. I know this. I know it all. It doesn’t make it easier to feel. There is only so much Ibuprofen can do.

It will get better, I promise me that.

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Daily, Miscarriage Tagged: grief, hope, loss, pain, sadness

Quote: Yellow by Coldplay

August 24, 2013Leave a Comment

song-quote-xo-isabel-yellow-coldplay

Coldplay, one of my favorite bands. Yellow, one of my favorite songs.

Here are some of my favorite versions of this song, from the original, of course, and beyond:

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Daily, Music, Quotes & Images Tagged: coldplay, music, quote, yellow

Vulnerability

August 24, 2013Leave a Comment

quote-xoisabel-vulnerability-brene_brown

Vulnerability. This is what writing this blog is all about, right? Opening my Kimono and bearing all to a whole world of friends, family and strangers alike.

I used to fear being vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant that I could be hurt. I instead built walls all around me so that I could protect myself. I had already begun to tear the walls down and learn to be a little more vulnerable with each passing day.

Being vulnerable used to feel like weakness. I don’t feel this way anymore, if anything, I find great power in being vulnerable. It means I can receive love and learn to love back. And that is never weakness.

Quote from: Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Daily, Quotes & Images Tagged: brene brown, image, quote, vulnerability

Advocate: Walk of Hope 2013

August 20, 2013Leave a Comment

The Walk of Hope is not just a walk, it's a movement. Join @resolveorg in September at a California Walk of Hope. http://t.co/TUd5KESJYI

— resolveorg (@resolveorg) August 20, 2013

Friends and Family will be joining us on this Walk of Hope in Sacramento, CA on September 21st.

If you’re in the area and wish to join, please visit our team page here: Team XO. If you are unable to join but wish to support a great cause, please consider a donation, however small.

Here’s a little more about the Walk of Hope 2013:

RESOLVE’s Walk of Hope is a 1-mile walk that recognizes the many ways in which families are built, supports local support and programs for the 7.3 million women and men living with infertility and raises public understanding of how the disease of infertility impacts families nationwide.

The Walk of Hope is being held in several locations across the country. Funds raised from the Walk support local RESOLVE programming which includes support groups and educational events, public awareness initiatives, and advocacy efforts to ensure family building options are available to all!

The name “Walk of Hope” embodies the emotion that most people living with infertility feel. They are hopeful their dreams of family come true. Some hope to simply find a peaceful resolution to their infertility journey. A Walk of Hope is an event that represents the infertility journey—a series of small steps, each one filled with hope and a reminder that no one should walk on this journey alone.

XO, Isabel

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Filed Under: Advocate, Daily, Infertility Tagged: advocate, RESOLVE, walk of hope

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Hello. my name is Isabel and this blog is all about my experiences dealing with infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and our new adventure as intended parents in our surrogacy journey. Also, a little bit of everything else in my life. Welcome! read more...

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