During the past week or so, I’ve stepped into myself. You see, I’m an introvert and I spend a lot of time in my head, with my thoughts. They quickly oscilate and would be hard to keep up with. Usually, I have an easy time of remembering things. Keeping calendars in my head. Remembering faces and names. During my pregnancy, it was the first time I had truly experienced what everyone dubs as “pregnancy brain.” I didn’t like it one bit, I’ll admit. Anyway, the point of this is because there is one thought that has been bothering me. And rather than keep it in my head or write it down to discuss another time, I decided to just stop what I’m doing and write about it now.
It’s about announcing pregnancy. So many times you hear someone give a newly pregnant woman the advice of “wait.” The advice is simply that you shouldn’t share the news of a new pregnancy until your second trimester. And most of us oblige. And I ask – “Why?”
Why do we wait to share such exciting news? Nowadays, we live in a world of Social Media where we live with Facebook and Twitter and INSTAgram. We want to share everything NOW. What we’re watching, how we’re feeling, what we’re eating and the color of our new nail polish. But, to share that you’re pregnant when you first find out is somehow taboo.
Why?
I understand, truly I do. As a woman that has now experienced five (5) pregnancy losses, all in different stages of pregnancy, I subscribed to this rule, mostly. But, the more miscarriages I had, the less and less I believed that this rule was actually any help at all. One could explain away the reasons for waiting to share news, and that would simply be so that we don’t have to explain to others that our pregnancy has ended, should we be met with being included in the most unfortunate of statistics; miscarriage.
But, why are we afraid to share? Why are we afraid to let people know of our loss? Do we feel shame? Do we feel embarrassment? “Oh no! I lost the baby, now everyone will think I was so stupid for sharing my news so soon, I JYNXED it!”
Bollocks!
I began to believe that I should share the news as early as I feel comfortable and with those I felt comfortable with. As much as I wanted to contain my news from others, I felt the need to share. And, yes, we did wait until our second trimester to share the news publicly via Social Media and the like. That didn’t make me any safer.
What it did prove to me is the immense support system that I have all around me. I didn’t need to apologize for my sadness and grief. I didn’t need to feel shame or embarrassment. I got to be the face of miscarriage and infertility to my family & friends. The same people that experienced joy at our happy news of expecting could also be an integral part of our healing as we announced the loss of our son. The same people that would be happy for us can also grieve with us.
And I think…what if I go through this again? What if I get pregnant again? Now waiting 13 weeks isn’t safe anymore. But is waiting until 18 weeks? What about 38 weeks? Sadly, a loss like mine and like those of countless others can happen at any time.
I refused to be paralyzed by the stigma that miscarriages should remain unspoken. That early pregnancies shouldn’t be celebrated. I’m not saying that should I ever get pregnant again that I’ll be out & about blasting the news over loudspeakers, but, I certainly won’t hide the fact that I am pregnant out of shame, fear or anxiety. I refuse to sit back and let the fear of the unknown overpower the great joy that being pregnant can be.
So, next time you are tempted to give the advice to someone, especially a daughter, daughter-in-law, sister or best friend, consider why. Revisit those reasons and consider other options. Analyze why you think she should wait to announce. Make sure it’s not because of fear.
You share your news with anyone you wish to share with. Allow those that can feel joy with you to also feel and see you through your fears. The biggest difference between sharing and not sharing is in who can be there to support you. For if you never share what happened, you will live with Unspoken Grief, and well, girl, that just isn’t fair.
XO, Isabel
I think you’ve put your finger on what a personal decision women have to make when it comes to announcing a pregnancy.
Some may want to do what you do; others may make a different decision. All of them are fine as long as the woman doesn’t tell anyone else what to do.
There are so many privacy aspects of pregnancy and I can understand why some women want to keep the information to themselves for as long as possible.
Your take on this really made me think. Thanks.
I just had this bit of a breakthrough in therapy last night. I’ve always felt like it’s okay if I tell people, especially my family and close friends if we’re pregnant as soon as we find out. And, it’s okay if I have some fear regarding pregnancy. But, what I have now acknowledged is that the reason for not sharing for me, should never be about fear or shame. Otherwise, we’re just playing a really cruel game with ourselves.
Many aspects of pregnancy are quite intimate and private, yet so many have no fear in telling us what to do or also placing judgment on our decisions.
I think the trick here is just to be supportive of your pregnant friend/relative. She will know what is right for her, it’s just a matter of reevaluating the “why” behind our advice. Is it because…well, why do we tell women to wait?
Again, I think the main reason is miscarriage. So that we don’t have to burden others with unfortunate news.
But, we all have the power to choose, I’m simply glad I’ve had the time to reflect on this topic, as well as many others.
This is such an incredible site so far, Isabel. I’ve always been so proud of you for opening up and using your vulnerability to help others. You are processing your pain in a healthy way and I know the memory of your little lion will fuel positive things.
I guess I always believed in the “wait until the 2nd trimester” rule too. Seemed like it would be so painful to celebrate a pregnancy and then have to tell everyone of a miscarriage. But your comment that the same people who celebrate with you are also the ones who can help you through your grief is such an incredible realization for me. So often we don’t open ourselves up to healing because we are afraid.
Yes, your last sentence sums it up. We don’t open ourselves up to healing because we are afraid.
I think for me, this realization came as one time I announced a pregnancy at 8 wks. Someone gave me the tsk tsk! look and made me feel guilty and somewhat embarrassed for sharing. I later miscarried and I remember that moment of being “scolded” and I felt shame & embarrassment. Stupid, even. Like, I had somehow brought this on myself.
Bollocks! 😉
I had the same AHA moment that Stephanie did. “The same people who celebrate with you are also the ones who can help you through your grief.”
I never thought about it that way. I guess I simply assumed that telling a woman to wait may be a sisterly thing to do. Advice passed down over the generations from women who shared soon and lost soon and perhaps didn’t have a support system? In reality, I’ve never questioned this until today. But you made me think….again and again.
It’s funny how we just trust what we are told. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had an innate sense to “question everything”, even though I grew up in an environment for which this way of thinking or being was not welcome. I had to just have faith and take what others spoon-fed me.
Why?
Like I told Stephanie above, I once had an experience where I shared news about a pregnancy at 8 weeks to some family members and I felt scolded and brow-beaten because I shared. “Well, I went in to the doctor at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. You really shouldn’t share until later.”
Why!?
While I know I have felt somewhat of an obligation to share my story as part of my own healing, I now cannot fathom telling someone to wait to share their news simply because of my own personal experiences. It’s a personal choice and I will do my best to promise to never make someone feel badly for making a certain choice.
Dealing with miscarriage is enough, it’s too much to imagine going through it seemingly alone.
xo
I am glad that you shared your joy with your AOL IF Sisters. I am glad that we are all here for you and Randy during your grief. I wish I had a good support system for Walter and I when my Tony passed. Walters family is from the mind set that it is a fetus, and not a baby till he/she takes her first breath. It is taboo to his family even mentioning HIS Name. From the day I realized I was pregnant HE was our child, and will always be our child. His family even went as far to call us selfish to hold a religious service for OUR SON to be Baptized in our Faith. When we buried him, HIS Grandparents, nor Aunt and Uncles, nor Cousins came from his fathers side. All I know is I belive in my heart that my Tony is playing with Leo and telling him everything will be OK and telling him that his Mommy and Daddy will be OK too in time.
XOXO
Isabel:
I don’t know if it is our religion or just our family that
never wants to have a shower until after the baby is
born. It’s how we grew up and put stigma on words to
pass down generation to generation.
You are so brave to be able to express your wisdom
and feelings. I’m in awe of you and I love you very much.
I really don’t think many people can put their emotions
on paper like you.
Hi, Nanci! Yes, typically it is Jewish tradition (superstition!) to not bring any baby items into the house before the baby is born. I think the reasoning for this is to avoid the heartache of having these reminders should your baby die.