Leo Archives — XO, Isabel

Random Acts of Kindness for Leo

August 13, 20162 Comments

Today marks the third anniversary since losing our son Leo. A few months after he died, we did one of our first Random Acts of Kindness (RAK or #LeoRAK) in his memory by purchasing a birthday cake for a stranger on what would be his due date. For his first anniversary, we did the same thing — bought a cake for someone and then we added more #LeoRAK ideas to the list. We donated books. We sponsored a Lion. We donated to various organizations in his name. Last year for his second anniversary, we did more of the same.

This year was no different, but we decided on an ideal number of RAK’s to complete — 12. We chose this number as it represents the months between honoring his last anniversary, and 12 because it’s the day of the month that we lost him.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 11, 2016 at 7:55pm PDT

Our day started off early! We both had doctor appointments with our IVF doctors to have a medical exam as we are preparing for IVF in short order. We made a stop to pick up some sweet treats to leave with the staff at our fertility clinic. This was #LeoRAK number 1 of the day! It was great to leave a note behind to let them know that we were honoring our son, but, that we were also there today to begin our new journey with their help. We were excited to start our day off this way!

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 11:31am PDT

Next, I had a haircut appointment (some kindness for me, too!) and stopped off for lunch. For our RAK number 2, we tipped our server more than our lunch amount. That was really a fun thing to do!

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 12:52pm PDT

Next, we headed off #LeoRAK number 3 which was a local organization that serves as a homeless shelter, but also helps improve the lives of members of our homeless community by providing them the tools to help them move to high levels of self-reliance. Usually organizations like this will have wish lists that they will post that will list items that they are most in need of to continue to help serve their communities. When we dropped off the diapers, the coordinator commented that this was the biggest box of diapers that she has seen. And that the fact of the matter is, if they run out of diapers, then they run out of diapers. That child may have to deal with not having enough diapers to keep him (and everyone around him) comfortable. We were so glad to be able to help provide a supply that will help, even for a short while. My husband also included lots of socks, which I thought was a brilliant idea. With the Fall and Winter seasons quickly approaching, simple things like this are taken for granted.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 2:54pm PDT

After we finished with this drop-off, we headed over to a local animal shelter in hopes of pre-paying some adoption fees for a cat (or FOUR!) When we got there to ask, they were delighted to help us. They told us to go to the building where the cats are waiting to be adopted and spend some time with the cats and choose to sponsor individual cats that just clicked for us. We were all about that! We took a look and found a couple right away that we wanted to sponsor. We had the intention of sponsoring one, but walked away sponsoring two adult cats and two kittens! So that took care of #LeoRAKs number 4, 5, and 6! The kittens were siblings and their foster parents were really hoping that they would be adopted together, and that’s what we were really hoping as well. We sponsored another cat that was about a year old because she reminded us of both of our cats combined! The final cat that we sponsored was a 15-year old cat. My heart broke for her that after her long life she was spending time in a shelter. Our hope is that she finds a nice and comfortable home with someone that understands that at her age, sleep is what’s on the agenda. Lots of sleep and cuddles.

When we were pregnant with Leo, the only cat we had at the time was Immie. We adopted Zappa about a year later. We had always wondered what Immie would have been like when Leo came home. She seemed awfully snuggly with him when he was in my belly. From the moment I got pregnant, she began to never leave my side, including sleeping right next to my growing belly. It was the sweetest thing. I remember how much comfort she gave us after Leo died. There were days when I was barely able to get out of bed and stop the tears from falling. Those were the days where she would cuddle extra close and smell the tears on my cheeks and then head butt me.

Finally, I’ll never forget how she reacted when we brought Leo’s ashes home in his tiny heart-shaped urn. She just smelled it. And then I put it down and she laid her head right on top of his urn and cuddled with it. That’s the kind of love we wanted to share with others. Our hope is that they would be able to treat their cat to extra special treats with the money the saved and also to express to them that we were so thankful that they chose adoption.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 3:55pm PDT

Running around all morning and all afternoon made us have a case of the yawns! So, we decided we needed a Starbucks run. Since we were there, we decided to do a quick act of kindness to bring us to #LeoRAK number 7 and paid for the order for the truck behind us. The barista that helped us was all smiles as he was excited to help us complete this act of kindness.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 4:45pm PDT

Now that we were all fueled up we continued forward to RAK number 8. This is our tradition of heading to a local bakery and asking if there were any birthday cakes on order that we could pay for. We struck out at the first bakery we went to, so we made a call to another bakery and found that someone had a birthday cake for Burt on order. Happy birthday Burt! We hope you enjoy your cake.

We were now off to do #LeoRAK number 9. We headed to our local Toys ‘R Us and were going to attempt to deliver an act of kindness face-to-face! We were really nervous as we weren’t sure how receptive a complete stranger would feel about us two coming up to them and their child or children offering up a gift and a note card. As we were entering in, there was a mother and daughter ahead of us. I tugged on my husband’s arm and I whispered “let’s pick them.” We rushed inside to try and buy the gift card faster than they could find whatever it was they were going to purchase so that we could give them this gift and allow her little girl to do a little extra shopping! We managed to get in rather quickly as one of the workers decided to open a new register to help speed the lines up. This man’s act of kindness to us was our saving grace! After we purchased the card we were excitedly looking for this mother and daughter duo. And just like that, they appeared from around the corner. The little girl had a toy in her hand and I finally got up the nerve to tell her that we were performing random acts of kindness today and that we wanted to give her a gift card to buy herself or someone else a little something extra. I then gave them the little card that we wrote up to give along with the gift that tells the recipient that we are doing these acts of kindness in memory of our baby son Leo. This mother’s reaction was instant. Warm and comforting and immediately embraced me. She hugged me so genuinely, we all began to tear up. We wanted to leave before we really started crying! As we walked away, her little girl yelled after us … “God bless!” It was so memorable.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 5:44pm PDT

After the success of this one, we decided to head over to the grocery store next door and try the in-person RAK again. So for #LeoRAK number 10, we purchased a gift card and felt a little shy once again, but, we built up the courage and walked up to a man that was just about to pay for his groceries. We offered him the gift card to help pay for his groceries, and instantly I could see his gratitude in his eyes. We were thankful to witness this.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 5:54pm PDT

After a quick stop home to cuddle with our kittens, we headed off to dinner to fuel up some more to complete our final two acts of kindness.

For #LeoRAK number 11, we went to one of my favorite stores, Barnes & Noble. One of the visions that we had in our minds as we imagined a life with Leo was being able to read him lots and lots of books. So even though it was after 9 PM already, we went into B&N and picked up a gift card. We asked the cashier to give it to someone after us along with the note card we had written out.

A photo posted by XO, Isabel (@xoisabel) on Aug 12, 2016 at 9:36pm PDT

#LeoRAK number 12 was our final act of kindness. We reserved that for for ourselves. After spending an entire day honoring our son with acts of kindness for others, we spent that time reflecting on the qualities that we each love about each other. About why we chose to honor our son in this way. We spent an entire day speaking kind words and sitting deep with the love we have for our son. We acknowledge that his absence has caused us the deepest pain we’ve ever known, but also know that the depth of that grief is due to the depth of our love for him. And we honor him by being the best parents that we can be to him. So, we spent the day being kind to ourselves, for in showing kindness to others we are rewarding ourselves at the highest level. Sometimes being kind to ourselves, especially when we may have moments that are steeped in pain, becomes a tall order. But we must do this.

Thank you for joining us as we shared this special day of kindness in honor of our dearest son. We appreciate all of you that joined us with your own random acts of kindness, whether it was in honor of Leo, or in honor of someone else that you love. We will always make an effort to choose kindness, for its rewards are far greater than any amount that we give. And if you are ever in an position to choose, always choose kindness.

We love you, Leo. And although you are not physically here, you will always be with us. We are your parents and that has been your greatest act of kindness to us. Thank you, Leo.

The first anniversary – May 9th

May 9, 20142 Comments

And so it begins. The start of all the annual anniversaries of the best of times and then the worst of times.

One year ago today, I found myself feeling a little under the weather (just like today). I was tired and *it* was late. I sauntered into the corner Walgreen’s. I took my sweet time as I neared the pregnancy test aisle. I spotted a co-worker and I quickly made a detour to the snack aisle. Once I knew he was gone, I headed back and picked up a 2-pack of First Response pregnancy tests. You know, the Early Results one. I, like so many times before, believed that by merely peeing on this stick, it would bring on the abnormally-delayed Aunt Flo.

I was back in the office, ventured into the bathroom and took out a test and aced it. Say what!? Two lines. And right away, too. And really quite obviously pregnant. I began to shake. I began to cry. I began to freak out! I wrote my husband to tell him and I’m pretty sure I sent a text of the test. I sent a text to my best friends. There it was, in my hand. In my womb. I was pregnant. Holy ish! I had never really gotten pregnant on my own before.

From that day forward, I had one mission – to get my health in order and get this baby here safely. My hope was that a year from May 9th, I’d have an infant in my arms. I would whisper to my baby that today I found out that he was going to exist. The miracle that he was. I’d be excited to finally find myself honored on Mother’s Day, instead of left out like the so many years before.

But, that isn’t how today is going to go down. Instead, I sit here, probably one of the only people in the world that knows what today is for me.

May 9, 2013 was still a hope-filled day. I’ll still remember it for the rest of my existence. It was the day that my son was born into my heart. He’ll always remain there.

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.

A Long December

January 10, 20143 Comments

I’ve been rather quiet. I never quite knew how difficult the month of December would be. Leo’s official due date is January 11, 2014. So by now, I’d be about 40 weeks pregnant.

I always knew that he would be born earlier, as with my complicated pregnancy, they planned to induce no later than 38 weeks. Plus, I was only half-joking with my doctor that I wanted a tax-break baby. Ha!

So, the month of December was almost as equally painful as the month of August when I first lost Leo. It was different as I found myself (and currently find myself) steeped in this wide range of emotions and with the great addition of Grief Anger.

It was difficult because it was the month where it felt like I was all alone with my thoughts and the ideas of the plans that were supposed to be. I had gotten through the month of October (or Oughtober, the month of ought-to-be’s) and November only hosted one holiday that I needed to get through. I did. It may have been with the help of several glasses of red wine. And all while trying to maintain composure in front of a lot of people.

December – by then, I felt more isolated and in pain. Feeling that I should be nesting or in the hospital getting ready to deliver. The deliveries and emails increased. Similac being the greatest and most forceful of the advertisers. I didn’t want to be around anyone for the holidays and New Year’s didn’t feel like the resetting of the clock. January 11, 2014 would be the reset instead.

The month of December was filled with a constant fight with the knot in my throat and the tears that I couldn’t stop. No matter where I was, I could be flooded with emotion at any given moment. Mostly in public spaces, like the train or sitting at my desk in the office.

So, I’m starting to come out of this fog, especially since Leo’s due date is tomorrow. Although this date wouldn’t have been the day he’d have been born, it was still a date that we tracked against. Until now, it still just feels like I’m waiting to exhale.

XO, Isabel

Happy baby shower day

October 26, 20134 Comments

Well, it was supposed to be. Today. My baby shower. The first. Or what was supposed to be. October 26, 2013. 2 PM. A lot of you were on the invitation list. Lots of you. Some very near. Some very far. A lot of you wanted to be there to witness this joy. To cheer me on. To shower me and our baby with love. A lot of you wanted this for me, more than anything else. In some case, more than anyone else. None of you wanted this more than I did. None of you feel as deeply as I do today, my No-Baby Shower day.

My sister had already put a deposit in with the venue, because, you see, so many of you wanted to be there. And I wanted so many of you to be there that we didn’t have enough room at her house. So, we picked a little venue that would give us all plenty of room to enjoy this day. We had picked a theme, even. It was going to feature books. Lots and lots of books! We were going to start Leo’s love for reading from the get-go. Actually, from within the womb. I was starting to read to him and sing to him. I’d feel him kick. But, yes, I was going to start his library. And I was going to read to that little boy. Read and read and read until he could yell at me to “stop reading so much, mom!”

But, my sister had to ask for her deposit back. The party was canceled. “My sister’s baby died”, she told the kind woman on the other end of the telephone. And with her deepest apologies, the woman returned to my sister her very hopeful deposit. We canceled all the plans. I deleted the list I had made of all invitees. I deleted the too-hopeful baby registry entry that I had yet to even publish. I deleted all the books from my Amazon Wish List and from my Amazon shopping cart. I deleted the Pinterest board of all the ideas I had collected for Leo, including all the baby boy outfits and baby nursery ideas.

I still sit in the very office that was going to be his nursery. We were going to share a space. This very room was going to be Leo’s nursery and my office. I was going to have one tiny little corner of the room with a small desk and my computer. The rest was going to be Leo’s space until he was old enough to do damage to my workspace. I was going to pick colors that would please us both. It was going to be our sacred space. Now, it still sits the way it was when I moved in, there are still boxes that need unpacking. There is still my old black desk with a magazine clipping that says “poetry is dead” decoupaged, by accident, on the top. I still have his folder of ultrasound images and my medical records and hospital discharge instructions to my left. The walls are still painted blue, as the previous resident had left them. We moved in knowing we were pregnant. But we didn’t know whether it was a boy or a girl yet, so we left the walls blue, you know, just-in-case. And then it was a boy, so I thought, maybe I liked the walls blue. And so I left them. And now these very blue walls close in on me at times with the little spirit of a boy that was never in my arms. That only sprinkled into my life for a short moment, yet will drown me in memories forever.

Making peace with the answers

September 20, 20134 Comments

We were waiting on one final piece to close out testing for Leo, and that’s the pathology on the placenta.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much they could tell us, as when there is a fetal demise (your baby has died), nature begins to take course. That means that my placenta had already begun to disintegrate and there wasn’t much they could do with it. They didn’t note anything significant in the pathology and therefore it means we won’t know with 100% certainty what caused Leo’s death. We knew that all along, and in most cases, you don’t always have 100% certainty to explain a miscarriage. There are other things that we suspect happened, for now, they’re all just theoretical.

I’m okay with that. I’m at peace with that.

I had been preparing myself for a while as to what my response would be, given the many outcomes that the test results would provide. They ranged from relief, anger, guilt and back to relief.

I feel relieved. For whatever reason, I feel that Leo is at rest. He was loved for every moment of his life. He never knew anything more than the comfort of that.

I feel relief because, although we only know a small part of the puzzle, it was enough to know that things turned out for the best. I feel some sense of guilt even saying that, but I feel that way in my heart. He had a rough little start, the odds were never in his favor. Part of that is my fault, and most of it is not. I say that it’s my fault, only because I know I could have been in better health at the time of conception. I have to stop playing the game of What-If’s and that’s what I plan to do. I’ve stopped blaming myself for feeling like I failed him and failed myself. I did my best. I did more than my best. I forgive myself for feeling like I was partly to blame. I forgive myself.

I know better now and my life, instead of being filled with despair, is filled with hope. This is what I’m choosing to do and it brings me great happiness to choose hope over despair. My having Leo and losing Leo has left an imprint on my heart and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Leo lived. Leo died. Leo is my baby and as long as I’m living, my baby he’ll be.

XO, Isabel

YY Syndrome (47,XYY)

September 19, 20133 Comments

A couple of things happened today. I received my new license from the DMV. I received Leo’s genetic testing results. Two more items to mark off my CLOSURE LIST.

I received the call from the Genetic Counselor letting us know that they had received the results from Leo’s chromosome microarray testing. This test was done to determine whether or not Leo had Down Syndrome (I had screened positive in the second trimester) or any other type of chromosomal abnormality that could have caused his death. Since he was no longer alive and neither was his tissue, Amniocentesis would not have worked.

The results indicated that Leo had 47,XYY Syndrome or Jacob’s Syndrome.

What does this mean? The normal karyotype of a human contains 46 chromosomes in each cell. Then, each person inherits chromosomes that determine his or her sex. 46,XX is normal female and 46,XY is normal male. The X chromosome is passed on by the mother (ovum or egg) and the Y chromosome is passed on by the father (sperm).

In Leo’s case, he had an extra Y sex chromosome and therefore had a karyotype 47,XYY. This was a fluke and the risk of it happening again is the same as it would be with any pregnancy. It is said that 1 in 1,000 (0.1%) male births are 47,XYY.

Our Genetic Counselor explained that this type of test result does not usually end in miscarriage, unlike many other types of chromosomal abnormalities. Most men with YY Syndrome only have some minor physical differences, mainly being taller than average and typically thin. They can also have other types of differences, such as weaker muscles and bones. Some men may experience fertility issues, but otherwise have normal sexual development.

She also explained that it could also cause learning disabilities or speech problems.

Yet, from all the research I’ve done, it still doesn’t explain why Leo died.

Since my Inhibin-A level was elevated during the second trimester screening, it is more than likely that the culprit is a placental one. I’ll be following up regarding the placenta pathology test results tomorrow.

Isn’t it funny that Leo ended up with something called YY Syndrome? This loss will always have me asking WHY?

Either way, even this little bit of the puzzle has brought me some peace. I am hoping to continue to find answers so that I can continue to build onto the hope that I hold on to so dearly.

Hope.

XO, Isabel

Little Lion, it’s been one month

September 14, 20135 Comments

Leo, it’s been one month since you left my body, the only home you ever knew. I don’t have the words to tell you what the past month has been like or what the past several months have been like, since I found out I was pregnant with you in early May. You are one of the best things that has happened to me and losing you, one of the worst. For however brief a moment in time, I’m glad I was your mom.

I have a picture story, instead.

This is the positive pregnancy test. I’m amazed the photo is in focus, since my hands were shaking so much.

The day after finding out I was pregnant, I had to visit the Emergency Room for some tests and to ensure everything was okay. It was scary, but, It was worth it so that we both would be okay.

My medical team took great care of me. They wanted to take every precaution to ensure I was as healthy as I could be. They wanted to check my beating heart for 24-hours. I would do anything for you.

Your dad snuck a video of the first time we saw the flicker of your beating heart.

And then we got to watch you grow! Here, we called you a little alien, because you looked like one.

And here you grew even more! Now we could see your bones and we started calling you, lovingly, Skeletor. You even waved hello!

And then my belly began to grow! I even felt your flutters, like butterfly kisses from within.

And then, because your mama is not very patient, we went in to go get an elective ultrasound to find out if you were a boy or girl … and you showed us, oh boy! We just didn’t know that it would be the last time we’d see you alive and moving. We just didn’t know, baby boy. Or we would have looked at you longer. We were so excited to be having a son. A girl would have been just as great, and a first on your dad’s side, but I couldn’t be happier to be having a little son. I was finally allowing myself to dream a little. We window-shopped for baby boy clothes. And started thinking about baby shower ideas with your Tia.

This was my last “bump” photo with you. It was my birthday. I was 18 weeks pregnant. I was happy to see my belly grow. Little did I know you were already gone. At dinner that night, the waitress brought me a creme brûlée dessert with a lit candle. I made a wish that you would be safe and healthy. That we would get through this and that I would do anything for you. Sadly, Leo, my wish didn’t come true. I worked so hard to keep you, Leo. I did, I promise.

And then, on that dreadful Monday, we saw your body lying still. We heard no heartbeat, but only the movement from happiness to sorrow at the knowing of having lost you. Maybe one day we’ll have more children, but I’ll always miss you, Leo. I’ll miss the little future that I had hoped for you, for us. And you see, that’s what I mourn. I don’t mourn that I won’t be able to have children, because I know I have options. I mourn losing YOU. You are my son and you died. I can’t change that, I can’t turn back time and bring you back. But, I can tell you how much you meant to us. To me. You were wanted. You are loved. You are missed, and your spark will live with me forever. You will always be my Little Lion.

I love you.

XO, Mom

A little boy named Benjamin

September 12, 201313 Comments

One month ago on August 12, we began a journey that we hadn’t anticipated.

One month ago, we discovered that Leo’s heart stopped beating.

One month ago, we received news that our youngest nephew, Benjamin, took his first breath of life.

One month ago, a pendulum of grief and joy swung wildly.

I want to talk about Benjamin. A little boy, that up until close to being born, had no name. And even shortly after his birth was Benjamin No-Name, since his middle name couldn’t be decided. He’s the youngest of 4 boys, and that’s a lot of names to think up! Even still, I think he’s a Benjamin through-and-through. Even though we were hoping for names like Bruno, Barnaby or even Batman. Who wouldn’t want to be Batman!?

It was sort of a surreal day. We had received the devastating news on that Monday morning. We sent out an email to our family and closest friends about Leo’s death. It would be rough for us physically in the next few days. My sister-in-law was really supportive. She was nearing the end of her pregnancy and we feared that she would go into pre-term labor, since she had been dealing with this already. She stayed in contact most of the day. Then some time passed and I hadn’t heard from her. I thought it was strange but didn’t think too much of it. Later that night, we received a text message that she was going to be having a c-section in 45 minutes. It was already late at night. I will admit, I had hoped that Benjamin would be born the next day. And not on this Monday. I wanted him to have a cool birthday. 8/13/13. But, it wasn’t to be. He was born that night, about a half-hour before midnight.

We received late night texts with pictures of his little face and immediately exchanged the WHO-HE-LOOKS like messages. It was bittersweet, it was.

In some ways, I felt guilt for his parents having share this day with us. Because, I know they were sad for us and they were experiencing their own feelings for the birth of their son. A birth is something to be celebrated! Pictures! And all the mushy stuff that goes along with babies. Somehow it was deeply recognized that their joy also had a flip-side; our grief.

Benjamin’s birth was the first of his nephews’ that my husband had missed. He had sworn that he would always be there for the birth of any niece or nephew born into this family. I think he felt a little helpless at not being able to be there for Benjamin’s birth. He knew it would be impossible. Not only would distance keep us from attending the birth with how quickly it all transpired, but also because we had to tend to my medical and emotional needs. Everyone would understand. And they did.

Since we’re Jewish, we knew that if Benjamin was healthy enough (he was born about 5 weeks premature, but was a healthy little thing), his Brit Milah would be on the 8th day after his birth. I will admit, this frightened me. I wasn’t sure if I could be there for this event. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face everyone. Everything was so very fresh. I had so many different feelings, but ultimately knew that out of respect and love, we would be with our family on this joyous occasion. But most of all, I never ever want Benjamin to have to ever suffer because of what happened to us. If we had stayed home, he’d be none-the-wiser, but we would know.

Unfortunately, since Benjamin was a little premature, he developed jaundice. He had to be admitted to the hospital for some light therapy and therefore his Brit would have to be delayed by a few days. I’ll admit I was a little relieved. It took all our strength to prepare ourselves to go so soon, and the extra days of processing our ordeal proved to be extraordinarily helpful.

We were excited to meet Benjamin and I did feel a little bit of guilt for not meeting him sooner. I mean, I actually photographed the birth of his older brother. I was there the moment he had taken his first breath. I had hoped to be able to do the same for Benjamin.

Prior to us going, I was in communication with my sister-in-law about how we would go about meeting Benjamin for the first time. I admitted that I thought it would be emotional and that I would cry. A lot. I pictured myself holding him and falling to pieces wondering why this had to happen to us and how I’ll never hold my own son. She was kind and offered to give us a meeting space in the privacy of their bedroom. Just my husband and his brother and the two of us, and of course, Benjamin. The offer was kind and thoughtful and I wanted that very much. I didn’t want an audience for my emotions and if I was going to cry, I wanted it to be more intimate.

We made the two-hour trip back home to be with our family and to meet Benjamin. We were invited up to the bedroom almost upon arriving, but not before receiving hugs from the family and my other three nephews. They each have their own unique understanding of our circumstance. The oldest is 16 and he well-understood what we lost. He was kind and loving and embraced us and asked us if we were okay. Our 7 year-old nephew embraced us, too. And though he didn’t say anything, I know he understood that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The last time I saw him he kissed my belly. He almost let himself slip and did it, but he stopped himself and instead just hugged me again. Our 4 year-old nephew is blissful in innocence, as it should be. And for that, I was thankful. He gave us hugs and kisses just because we are his aunt and uncle and he was happy to see us.

We finally made it upstairs to meet Benjamin. And how sweet and tiny he was! I took him in my arms and I was in love. I thought I was going to get emotional, but I didn’t. Instead, it felt warm and peaceful. I was happy. I was happy to be there and I was happy to be his aunt. I was even happy that I got to be Leo’s mom, no matter how brief, and it was because of that brevity that I was able to appreciate this experience all the more. I didn’t want to let go of him. I would brush my finger near the side of his lips and on his cheek to see if I could coax a smile out of him, and I did. He also continued the tradition of his brothers and peed on me a few times. Those boys sure are super soakers! I took several pictures and later my sister-in-law would point out how he had on different outfits in all the photos since he had soaked through his clothes so many times.

When it was time for the ritual to begin, the Mohel asked if they’d like to do the Baby Naming Ceremony as well. They said yes and they provided his Hebrew name of Binyamin. He then asked if they had a middle name. It would seem that he was also going to be Binyamin No-Name, in Hebrew. They said they hadn’t thought of one. I spoke up, I said “You can use the middle name we had chosen for Leo’s Hebrew name — Nissim, it means Miracles. Leo was going to be Ari Nissim, in Hebrew.” Ari meaning Lion of God and Nissim meaning miracles (or wonders), for he was our Little Lion and our Miracle.

They accepted. They said yes and the ceremony went underway. I’ll spare all the details of being a witness to this ritual, but, I was there during every moment. I didn’t want to leave, so I stayed with him the entire time.

It was now time for the conclusion of the ceremony and for the Naming. Up until this point, I had maintained my composure. I had kept my emotions and tears in check. And then there was a blessing. And then they spoke Benjamin’s Hebrew name – Binyamin Nissim and then I cried. I felt deeply. We yelled MAZEL TOV! Because that’s what you do, because it’s a joyous time and LOTS OF MAZELS! And I feel a little guilty because we were crying and my sister-in-law was getting emotional. My husband was crying next to me and I wanted the room to shout their MAZELs louder. But it was a clear moment that our family was still swinging between grief and joy.

It was hearing the name being said aloud. How we had started to picture our own ceremony with our own son. How our family would witness our family being blessed. And how it was now never to be with Leo.

And now, I believe, a little part of Leo will forever live with Benjamin, if only with his name.

And Ben? I think we’re going to be good buddies.

Happy One-Month of Life, Benjamin. You are a wonderful blessing and a little Miracle. You always will be.

XO, Aunt Isabel

Why I don’t like the DMV

September 11, 20135 Comments

It was August 8, 2013. It was two days before my birthday and before my drivers license would expire. Yes, I procrastinated. But, I felt proud that I was going to at least get it done BEFORE it actually expired. Yay me!

I didn’t have an appointment and the line was out the door. Once I got a peek inside, I realized the line wasn’t so bad. I had gotten up earlier that day and actually used a blowdryer on my hair. I put on extra makeup, including eyeliner. I never do. I was so excited to actually take a new picture for my license because I was pregnant. I was excited to be able to show Leo my license one day and say “you were in the picture, too!” My current picture was taken just after our honeymoon and I had a nice smile and glowing, tanned skin. Both memories I was looking forward to sharing with our kid.

Back to the line. I eventually made it to the point where you’d be assigned a number. G93, I think it was. The wait wasn’t very long. I had all my paperwork ready. I was sitting down and fiddling with my phone. I was observing everyone and posted to Facebook asking if there was a site like the People of Walmart, but for the DMV. A few moments later my phone was ringing. It was a number I somewhat recognized and figured it would be important to answer. It was our Genetic Counselor. He called with some new and some “scary numbers”, as he called them. My number was called right at this very moment. I tried to see if I could put him on hold while I dealt with the clerk. I was a little bit distraught. I told the Genetic Counselor to please call me back in 10 minutes.

I completed the initial part of my paperwork and was supposed to go back and sit down and wait to be called to have my picture taken. Tears were already filling my eyes. How could I take a picture now? Instead, I left and sat in my car to wait out those minutes. He called back in 17 minutes. I remember, because I looked. About 9 minutes of crying and anxiety. He called to tell me that our second trimester screening had come back as positive for Down Syndrome. And the rest of the story has already been told.

I’m sitting in the car, I didn’t know if I should go back in and handle the rest of the DMV transaction. I mean, how could I? I now had tear stains on my cheeks and the whatever was left of my mascara and eyeliner was hanging on by a thread. I called my husband instead. I asked him to come home and then I began sobbing. That we had received bad news. He tried his best to comfort me, and I tried my best to convince him that it was all going to be okay. It wasn’t.

And, my license is now expired. I have to go and get that taken care of. And it’s taking every bit of my strength to make myself go. Every day I delay it. I understand why, now.

I don’t want a license photo that is just of me. It was supposed to be the both of us.

XO, Isabel

What I did today

August 27, 2013Leave a Comment

A while back, after we thought we were in the clear for miscarriage risks, we started looking around and doing our research on baby products. Amazon is a favorite, and so we started working on a private Baby Registry. We never got very far. But today, I deleted it.

I noticed that there were 7 items in my shopping cart. I checked the items, and it was filled with children’s books, bilingual (Spanish or Hebrew) ones that I had planned on buying for Leo. I was motivated by an article I had recently read on how the brain works with regards to language. How being bilingual or multilingual makes our brains more flexible and that even babies in utero could distinguish language differences. So, I had planned to read books to our son in English and Spanish, because my son would have a flexible brain!

I deleted my cart items, too.

XO, Isabel

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: