It’s been 904 days. 129 weeks and 1 day. 2 years, 5 months, 21 days. It’s been that long since our Leo died. And during that time, we’ve experienced so many different emotions. Highs and lows, a lot of lows. But the highs were all the more meaningful. Our hearts broke. They broke wide open. They have broken wide open to the possibility of something new. A little spark of hope for a miracle that never did die. For the two of us, it has meant a lot of soul-searching. A lot of late-night pillow talk about our dreams and hopes and the what-in-the-hell-do-we-do-next talks.
Well, we’ve decided. After much thought and consideration (and a lot of hard work), we have opted to pursue IVF in hopes of creating embryos. And then we hope those embryos will be carefully transferred to a woman we have yet to meet. A Gestational Carrier. A dream-come-true. Our hope. Our gift-giver. A surrogate mother for our maybe-baby. Our bun, her oven.
The process is complicated. It’s scary. It’s filled with excitement. It’s filled with terror! Yet, this is what we’re doing. We’re doing it, guys. WE. ARE. DOING. IT! And we’re about to get started very soon! In just a matter of weeks, we’ll begin the IVF process. This will entail lots of testing. Lots of injections and other medications. And lots of visits to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Blood draws. Lots of ovarian monitoring. A minor surgical procedure for an egg retrieval. Then, we’re going to fertilize those eggs (he has the easy part!) And then we’re going to wait. We’re going to wish and hope that those little things turn into 100-cell embryos. And then we’re going to test those embryos via something called PGD. All in hopes that we can select the most viable little embryo(s) to transfer to a gestational surrogate that will carry the greatest gift we’ve ever known.
Photo by Stephanie Sarles
You see, I’ve had a history of recurrent pregnancy loss. I’ve lost five (5) babies already. Most of you reading this know our little lion, Leo. He reminded me just how much I have yearned to be a mama. And he, most of all, made me a mom. And, I’d like to take that one step further, and mother our own little babe here in the flesh. And, because I’ve had so many losses that have never really been explained, we are giving this all that we’ve got. We’re testing my chromosomes – karyotyping – to ensure that my DNA isn’t a tiny bit broken, especially since Leo was diagnosed with XYY Syndrome after his death. We’re going all the way.
We hope that you’ll join us along this journey. Making a baby is supposed to be simple and natural. I realize that this may be far from what you have experienced or know, and we can’t thank you enough for your support. Things haven’t come very easy to us in this department. But, we’re ready. We’re ready for our Rainbow Baby.
xo.
So excited for you and Randy!! Best of luck to you both and thank you for including us all in your journey! xoxoxo
Thank you, Niki! <3
I can’t even express how wonderful I think it is that you are sharing your journey. I have been so blessed that I have never experienced this kind of loss, but I know so many women who have, and have suffered in silence because they have been given the message over and over again that it’s not OK to mourn, that they should just get over it, that it’s not a “real” loss or a “real” death. I can only imagine the number of hearts you have touched by your candor, and the bold and brave way you have given this experience a voice. You are amazing and I admire you so much! My sister in law lost a baby last year, and you sharing your experience gave me the insight to acknowledge her loss in a way that no one else did – she has expressed her gratitude to me for that, and it was YOU that taught me how to do it – so THANK YOU. Know that what you are doing is making a difference.
And I’m probably too old, but I would no shit be your surrogate in a frickin heartbeat!!!
XOXO
Becca
Aw, thank you! This is the reason I’m doing this. To remove the stigma of this topic. Yes the loss can be traumatic and difficult and sad, but there is also much more to the experience. Thank you for sharing your experience with your sister-in-law. My whole heart to her. <3
Hoping and praying for your much desired outcome!
Thank you, Mina! <3
My deepest wishes for you.
Love this. I just did Ivf and pgd testing on my embryos. It’s an amazing experience. Message me lauraefreeman@yahoo.com if you want to talk! I’m 28 weeks.
My prayers are with you, I will be praying everyday and night that your wish will come true. You two will make wonderful parents, one to discipline with love and one to spoil rotten. I love you very much.
Aunt Pauline
Oh my friend. Standing so fully in this with you! So FOR you and your family! Thank you for sharing your vulnerable, strong heart with us through your beautiful writing. Looking forward to meeting your rainbow baby!